NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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