I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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