she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
