my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize