Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
