those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
