i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I came so hard my ears popped.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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