I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
