I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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