Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
