Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
