I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
