She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize