I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize