if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
