Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
