You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
