Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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