My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
