dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
