This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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