The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
