It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
