Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
