Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
