I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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