Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
