I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
