dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
