while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize