Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Little spoons don't ask big questions
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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