So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
