Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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