Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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