It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
