I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
