How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
