Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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