I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
