I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
