it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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