were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize