How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
