So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
