I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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