I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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