now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
