so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
