I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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