remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
