WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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