This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
