tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
