can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
