she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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