The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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