Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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