I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
