nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
