After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
