you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
