and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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